And why is he doing that? Because he wants to be with you. Get it through your lovely little head; you are special to him and you don't have to be humble about that."
I digest what Poppy is telling me for a moment. And in that moment, I try to picture a future for Rhodes and me. It could be incredibly premature and a stupid thing to do both for my heart and my ego, but my head isn't trying to stop me, so down the rabbit hole I go.
What if he did love me, and we went on incredible adventures together? What if he took me to all the amazing places I've only ever dreamed of going? Would he want to get married, or is he one of those people who believes that marriage is a silly concept? If we had children, would they have my eyes or his? Would our house be the one from my dreams? A sprawling estate in the countryside with room for horses and meadows to play in, or would we live in central London where our kids would go to posh private schools? Would he slow down and spend more time with us as a family, or would I have to tell our children 'dad's at work but he wishes he could be here'? Would he keep the promises that we made, or would I be made a fool of when he leaves me for a young 20-year-old as my looks fade? Would he really love me through the ups and downs of life, or would it all fall apart?
"We will see. But right now, we have to focus on this test. Come on, stop procrastinating," I finally say as I reach forward and pick up my study notes. Poppy groans as she lifts the open textbook onto her lap.
"Fine. But this conversation is not over, Miss Kendrick," Poppy huffs as we finally get around to what we should have started nearly an hour ago.
I'm making myself some dinner after Poppy goes home when I get an alert on my phone. I unplug it from its charging position on the bench and briefly pause the stir fry I'm making to check it.
YOUR NEW BANK BALANCE IS £6787.41
Oh man, that sucks, every time that money comes into my account it feels like a punch in the gut. It's the notification that should elicit relief but just gives me a general feeling of anxiety and guilt. I don't like being paid to be with him, I don't like that he is paying to be with me. If he stopped paying, I know I wouldn't walk away; I'd feel rather relieved actually. The payment and the contract are holding us back, constricting us from joining the normal realms of relationships.