UnknownHey, you’re pretty brave putting your phone number on your dating profile.
Leah stares at her phone.
LeahBrave, or stupid?
UnknownIt seems like you’re bright on your profile.
UnknownI mean, you used the Oxford comma, so how stupid could you be?
LeahThat remains to be seen. What’s your name?
UnknownI’m afraid you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
LeahWhy? Is it something creepy, like Lester?
LeahOr Marvin?
LeahMilton?
UnknownNo! It’s…
UnknownDon’t laugh.
LeahOk. I promise. Maybe.
UnknownIt’s Remington.
Leah😂
RemingtonHey, you promised!
RemingtonBesides, all my friends call me Rem.
LeahWell, that’s better.
LeahBut to be fair, I didn’t promise. I said maybe.
LeahIs that really your name, or have you been reading too many romance novels?
RemI think my mother may have been reading them thirty years ago 😂
RemIt’s my real name.
LeahSo you’re 30?
RemYou know, if you wanted to exchange profiles like normal people, this might be easier.
RemYou could just right swipe, you know…
LeahI’m not normal people.
LeahI think judging someone based on a picture is superficial.
RemOk, fair enough.
RemSo let’s get to know each other for real then.
RemMy name is Remington and I’m 31. And you?
LeahI’m 30.
RemSo you’re at your sexual prime, then.
LeahOh no. Please don’t be one of those guys.
RemOne of those guys?
LeahThe kind of guy who jumps right into sex talk.
RemHey — I have the same name as a romance hero…
RemSo I think it’s sort of expected that I make you swoon, haha
LeahHaha, fair. But it doesn’t mean I’m not going to call you on it 😉
LeahWhat do you look like, Remington?
RemI’m 6’2 with brown hair and hazel eyes.
RemHow about you?
LeahI’m ugly.
RemNo, you’re not.
LeahHow do you know?
RemBecause you have confidence—
RemYou knew that men would follow the instructions in your photo-less profile.
LeahMaybe you’re just desperate 😉
RemI am not!
LeahYou’re talking to a woman who refuses to post a picture on her profile…
LeahI’m pretty sure you’re desperate 😛
RemMaybe I’m just not superficial.
LeahOk. Prove it.
RemFine. In my mind right now, you’re a one-eyed troll.
RemSee? I’m still talking to you.
LeahI can live with being a one-eyed troll 👹
RemTell me, Ms. One-Eyed-Troll, what do you do for fun?
LeahI’m a fifth-grade teacher. I grade papers.
RemDo you do it in a plaid skirt, glasses and pig-tails?
LeahI think you got “teacher” and “Catholic schoolgirl fantasy” mixed up.
LeahBut to go back to your question, I also like to skydive.
RemA teacher who skydives. I LIKE IT.
LeahI also like sex. I have a very healthy sexual appetite.
RemOh, God. Don’t be one of those girls.
LeahHaha, which girls?
RemThe kind who only want sex 😂
LeahI just thought it was only fair to warn you.
LeahI like sex. I’m very comfortable saying what I want, and what I need.
LeahDoes that intimidate you?
RemHell, no. It turns me on.
LeahProve it.
Leah hears herself breathing as she stares at her phone.
She jumps when, three minutes later, it buzzes with an incoming message.
RemAre you waiting for a dick pic, Ms. One-Eyed-Troll???
LeahHaha, not after a few minutes of talking to each other!
LeahBut there may be a request for that in the future.
RemTease, jk. I’m actually really intrigued by you…
RemTell me something else about yourself.
LeahI’m divorced. About 6 months ago.
LeahDoes that scare you?
RemShould it?
LeahNo.
LeahGot any other questions?
RemAre you a psychopath or a killer?
LeahNo.
RemGood. I’m really starting to like you.
LeahDo you usually fall for psychopaths?
Rem😂 😂 😂
LeahDo you masturbate every day?
RemMy god, woman! You are direct.
Three minutes pass.
LeahSo? Do you?
RemNot every day, but most of them.
RemI mean, I just do it in the shower. I’m not some perv.
LeahMasturbating doesn’t make you a perv 🤷♀️
LeahEveryone does it.
RemHmm. Is it my turn to ask a question?
LeahSure.
RemYour profile says you are 5’9 and you’re a non-smoker…
RemAnd that you’re seeking someone 6’ or taller, a non-smoker.
LeahAnd?
RemIs that all you want? A tall non-smoker?
LeahHaha, no. I’m actually very picky. That’s just where I wanted to start.
LeahHow many women have you been with?
RemThat’s pretty personal…
RemI don’t have any STDs, if that’s what you’re wondering.
LeahI’m wondering about your experience level. See, I have a condition.
RemA disease?
LeahHaha, no. I’m…don’t laugh.
LeahI’m a virgin.
RemYou’re messing with me.
LeahI am not! I’m a 30-year old virgin.
RemHow is that possible??
LeahWell, I’m either an ugly one-eyed troll…
LeahOr I was raised in a strict household and went to a Catholic school…
LeahAnd then have been very picky about who to lose my V-card to.
LeahYou can decide.
RemBut you were married!
LeahYeah. But that was to a friend who needed a green-card.
LeahI’m ready to lose my virginity now. It’s time.
RemUm. Why would you choose a dating app to do this?
LeahI told you. I hate superficial people—
LeahSo I didn’t want someone to agree to this plan based on my appearance.
LeahI want someone to get to know me for me.
LeahBut I also want someone experienced enough to make my first time really good.
LeahGreat, in fact.
RemI’m not sure whether to believe you or not.
LeahThat’s up to you.
RemYou said you were very comfortable with your sexuality—
RemHell, you even said that you like SEX.
RemHow can that be true if you haven’t even tried it yet?
LeahI know how to pleasure myself… 🙄
RemSo your fingers are getting tired.
LeahBasically.
RemWow. This is…
LeahYes?
RemIt’s unusual.
LeahYes.
LeahAre you up for it?
RemGod, are you hinting for a dick pic again?
RemYou’re relentless.
Leah🙄
LeahSeriously though.
LeahIs it too much for you?
RemNothing is ever too much for me.
LeahYou’re pretty confident.
RemI have skills to back that confidence up.
LeahProve it.
RemOh I will. All in due time…